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Impressing the Others
A young Air Force Lieutenant had just arrived at the Base in Japan. He’d been given a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a soldier come into his office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was […]

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Divorced
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
“Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!”
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.“Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! […]

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Ask For Help
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,“Are you a cop?”
“Yes,”I answered and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that […]

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Where I Can Find Him
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hey back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,”said the cleric.“Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No, thanks,”said the young man.“My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,”the […]

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Early Shopper
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.“What are you charged with?”he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,”replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,”replied the judge.“How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,”countered the prisoner.
A Frog Calls a Psychic
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,“You […]

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Scared Sleeping
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc.,”he said,“I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You have got to help me. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two […]

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The Bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says,“Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,”says the second one,“It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies,“Who needs them? […]

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Bridge Player
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom — […]

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Mad Cow Disease
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad cow disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I’m not worried, it doesn’t affect us […]

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Honesty
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said […]

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